I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
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