I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
