Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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