There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
