Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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