matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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