i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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