you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Randomize
