I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
