on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
This is classic penis vs brain.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
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