HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
There was a lot of him and a little penis
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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