I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
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