dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Randomize
