I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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