people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
