shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
