I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
