I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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