I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Randomize
