Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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