remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
