does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Randomize
