I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
