I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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