is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
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