You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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