Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
