Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Randomize
