i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Randomize
