From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Randomize
