I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
