my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
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