I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
i came on her dog
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
