Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
