Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
