You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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