I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Randomize
