just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
