he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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