I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
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