I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I want you more than these girls want KFC
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Randomize
