im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
