Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
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I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
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Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
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