She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Randomize
