The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
