So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
