My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
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