I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize
