tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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