Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
