So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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