Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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