Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
