i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
