so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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